Conflict is an inescapable part of any relationship, especially a marriage. We bicker. We argue. We butt heads. We have heated conversations.
Conflict also plays a healthy and positive role in relationships: It helps us to push one another, to settle disagreements, to make feelings known, and to arrive at solutions. There are, however, those people who fall into conflict over the slightest provocations — or perceived provocations.
These high-conflict personalities are easily triggered by minor episodes of miscommunication or the occasional offhand remark until their relationships are dominated by contention. The conflict-oriented mindset tends to see just two options during an argument: escape or win.
Therapist, lawyer, and mediator Bill Eddy writes, “High-conflict behavior is anything that increases rather than manages or decreases conflict — screaming, throwing things, shoving, hitting, lying, spreading rumors, refusing to talk for more than a day, and disappearing for a long time.”
If it’s not clear from this description, it is ruinous to relationships. Breaking out of the high-conflict couple rubric takes work. To do so, high-conflict couples need to examine themselves and take inventory of everything from their tendencies to their triggers.
Dr. Fran Walfish, a family and relationship psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and a regular expert on The Doctors, says that in order to break the high-conflict cycle, you have to engage in some hard self-reflection.
Here, then, is a look at some of the high-conflict relational archetypes who are difficult to live with and how each can begin to address destructive patterns.
Here are 5 types of people who are incredibly difficult to live with, according to a psychologist:
1. The stonewaller
What defines them: Stonewallers tend to shut down during a disagreement, refuse to cooperate, or even communicate. “Psychologically,” Walfish explains, “stonewalling is a defense used to preserve one’s ego, emotions, and self.”
How to help: The best way to combat stonewalling is to, as the song goes, try a little tenderness. Use empathy and compassion as a means of breaking through the stubbornness and refusal to cooperate. Rather than chastising someone for stonewalling you, let them know that you understand how they’re feeling.
“Say out loud in an empathetic tone of voice that you understand how he is feeling overwhelmed and may need a break from the conversation,” Walfish says. “Rather than him falling silent, ask him to offer you a gentle bridge by saying something like, ‘I’m feeling flooded and I need a beat to catch my breath. Let’s put a bookmark here and pick it up after dinner.’”
Stonewalling is often a tool couples employ when they have started to feel resentful of one another. The only real way to avoid stonewalling is by not letting resentment build up in relationships.
There is no “cure” — recognition of the problem and a commitment to working through the layers of resentment is the only way to break free of that loop.
2. The verbal attacker
What defines them: When an issue is raised, and you or your partner fall back on judging, blaming, and criticizing, insisting that the fault lies entirely with someone else, then this may be the term that best describes your relationship.
“This style is to become self-protective by deflecting responsibility for conflicts,” Walfish says. “They cannot bear to assume accountability, for their egos are too fragile and easily injured.”
How to help: Counter a verbal attack by leaning into your partner’s arguments. Explain to them that you want to hear what it is you’ve done that’s upset them, but that you don’t wish to be attacked over it.
If you’re the attacker, keep the “you” statements out of the discussion and switch to “I” statements. Don’t focus on the action; instead, focus on how it made you feel.
“The best way to respond to the Verbal Attacker is to say, ‘I want to hear your thoughts, but it’s easier for me to process when you say things beginning with I need,’” says Walfish. “‘Otherwise, I hear it as a putdown and feel bad about myself, and that gets us nowhere.’”
3. The avoider
What defines them: Avoiders will do whatever they have to do to keep from dealing with a confrontation, from offering distracting arguments to flat-out changing the subject. Additionally, avoiders will deflect and distract during an argument to avoid having to confront the root cause of the problem.
“During intense disagreements,” says Walfish, “if you often interrupt or think about your response while your partner is talking, then you are more concerned with winning the fight than understanding where the disruption occurred.”
How to help: If the intensity of an argument is too much for you to deal with, try flipping the script and using a little humor to lighten the mood. Make a joke, even if it’s at your expense.
If you know your partner likes to avoid arguments, come forward about it to him or her and let them know that you understand what they’re ...READ FULL ARTICLE>>
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